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Episodes: And now, an imagined episode of House Hunters, starring my wife and me


Emily VanDerWerff

Sep 30 2015

4 min read



NARRATOR: Todd and Libby met at college, and they've been together ever since! This fun-loving couple enjoys hanging out with their many cats, playing board games, and watching TV. In fact, they love TV so much, they both get paid to do it!

TODD: I guess it was just natural. I wasn't allowed to watch TV as a kid. She used TV as a parental figure. We were always going to end up together.

NARRATOR: Now that Todd and Libby are planning to expand their family by adopting 10 more cats, it's time to find their first home.

LIBBY: We've been renting a long time. We're just really ready to put down roots somewhere.

NARRATOR: Todd and Libby live in the Los Angeles area, however, where it's not easy to find cheap real estate. Working with them, however, we've set up a rudimentary budget. We'll be showing them one house squarely within their price range, one that's toward the upper limits of it, and one that's well outside of it, in hopes they'll pick the last one and begin the slow process of fraying their marriage, in pursuit of capitalism. But first, we asked them what they're looking for in a house.

LIBBY: I guess we'd like some space. It's easy to feel cramped when you're in an apartment. I get that we can't have a huge house, but something with some real openness to it would be nice.

TODD: And I'd just like a house that's haunted.

NARRATOR: Libby's second wish is an even steeper ask in space-clogged Los Angeles!

LIBBY: A backyard. Somewhere our 22 cats can ramble and play, somewhere that they won't stink up by their very presence.

NARRATOR: Todd, meanwhile, would like to have a place to entertain guests.

TODD: You know, the word "ghost" derives from somebody's word somewhere for "guest." I think that if I lived in a haunted house, it would be hard to ever feel alone, because the creeping specter of death would be right around the corner all the time.

NARRATOR: Finally, Libby is looking for somewhere that might have extra room for a new addition somewhere along the line.

LIBBY: Whether we have a baby or not, we don't know. But even if we don't, it would be nice to have that spare room for company. My parents, his parents, others -- they visit a fair amount, and we'd like to be able to offer them somewhere to sleep.

NARRATOR: Todd, meanwhile, is just looking for some peace and quiet!

TODD: I guess if I was all alone, but then I heard a door creak open somewhere downstairs, and I knew it was the spirit of a woman who'd been horribly murdered and vivisected by her supposedly loving husband, I would realize how ephemeral this whole life is. I don't want to run from death anymore, but I don't want to embrace it either. I want to find a ghost, and maybe stick my hand in it, like you would a slowly warming flame, just to see how long I can go before I'm overrun by madness and start scrawling messages on the wall in blood.

NARRATOR: These two are going to have to talk about what they really want! We'll be right back after this.


Episodes is published daily, Monday through Friday, unless I don't feel like it. It is mostly about television, except when it's not. Suggest topics for future installments via email or on Twitter. Read more of my work at Vox Dot Com.

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